Speed Trials

I’m about to get all introspective about what happened a year ago today. But that date has been stuck in my head for a looooong time, and I don’t want to let it go by without mention. So please bear with me…

My doctor sent me to the Emergency Room of the Civic Hospital on Thursday October 14, 2010 because he had reason to believe I was having an ectopic pregnancy. (That’s when the egg implants itself somewhere other than in the uterus. There’s never any chance to save the baby, and it can be quite damaging for the momma too). Unfortunately, it was one of those crazy days at the ER, and I had to wait 7 hours before being seen by a resident. By then, the obstetrician had gone home, and so I was sent home and told to come back in the morning for an ultrasound.

So when I woke up on the morning of October 15, 2010, I had convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. I mean, they wouldn’t have sent me home if I needed emergency surgery, RIGHT???

Wrong.

The ultrasound revealed an ectopic pregnancy in my left Fallopian tube. The embryo was too big to treat medically, and I had already been bleeding for about 35 days straight, so they thought surgery would be the best way to treat it. They told me I was about 9 weeks pregnant.

After the surgery (which was a laparoscopy) they told me that my tube was hella damaged, and they had to remove it. They also told me that my abdomen was covered in adhesions – most likely caused by a Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (read: untreated STD or other infection that was left to wreak havoc on my insides) and that becoming pregnant might be a problem for me.

PSA: STDs, even with no symptoms, CAN make you infertile!!! Listen to what they teach you in school!!!

My heart was in my throat as I heard the words. What no one had known was that this pregnancy had been planned.  And now I was down one tube right off the bat, with more complications to come.

I thought about that baby a lot in the last year.  Even though we proved the doctors wrong and got pregnant naturally two months after my surgery (yay!), and even though I was madly in love with the baby growing inside me, I still had a place in my heart for that first baby that never found his way home…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, if things had been different, I would never have known Nico, who I obviously can’t live without. That I might be holding some other baby in my arms seems so foreign to me now. How can I mourn the loss of one life while rejoicing in the birth of another?

I guess I just do…

‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.’ – Woody Allen

There is so much to say, and no words seem adequate. I should have known better than to start making plans.  I made the mistake of waiting for the “right” time to get pregnant, and it really feels like I’m being punished for trying to beat the system. Now my plans are useless, my heart is broken, and though I thought I had tons of time to get around to making babies, now time seems to be slipping by way too fast.

‘The future always arrives too fast—and in the wrong order.’ — Alvin Toffler

Following my ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery on October 15, I underwent a procedure yesterday called a Tubal Patency. The doctors inserted a catheter into my cervix in order to administer a saline solution into my uterus.  This was to see if the water would go up into my remaining Fallopian tube, to determine whether or not it’s blocked.  Once the catheter was in place, they inserted an ultrasound transducer and took a good look to see if the liquid moved all the way up the tube.

I had expected some discomfort during the procedure and took an ibuprofen in advance. But still, it was unpleasant (okay, I’ll say it: it effing hurt!).  The doctors were vague, and spoke in big doctor words, but I understood that the tube appeared to be blocked. In a last-ditch effort to give me good news, the doctors asked for my consent to push a gust of air into my uterus to try to unblock the tube. I asked them how much it would hurt, and they said they couldn’t say – maybe a little, maybe a lot. I consented, and guess what, it did hurt. And guess what, the tube remained blocked. Dang.

You know, with every step of this ordeal, I have kept a positive attitude and tried to remain upbeat.

When I discovered I was having a miscarriage, I thought “Oh well, at least I know I can get pregnant!”
When I discovered it wasn’t a normal miscarriage, but an ectopic pregnancy, I thought “oh well, at least we live in a time where there are treatment options.”
When I underwent surgery and had my left tube removed, I thought “Oh well, that’s why we’re made with two of them. At least I still have both ovaries.”
When my follow up ultrasounds uncovered that I have endometriosis, I thought “Oh well, at least now we know why my cramps are so bad.”
But when I had a tubal patency that showed that my other tube is most likely blocked, and that I’ll have to undergo IVF if I want to get pregnant, then I just thought “Fuck.”

Yesterday was the last straw for me. All of my resolve and perseverance left me in that ultrasound room.  There I was, half naked, in pain, my feet still in the stirrups, crying out my fear and disappointment. The technician stayed with me, her hand on my knee, Kleenex box in hand, and waited out my cry-out. I was very thankful for that moment of humanity.

I felt quite lost after that appointment. I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t know what to do. I was completely adrift.

‘Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.’ — Henry Ford

Now that a day has passed, that I made it without crumpling into a heap on the floor at work, I am starting to feel better, and I’ve been leaning on Angelo for support. Maybe not the best time since he’s in the middle of finals at school, but luckily we’ve managed to keep each other from succumbing to despair during this really tough time for us.

‘Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.’ — Dale Carnegie

He is convinced that we’ll have kids. It just might take a little longer than we thought.

‘It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.’ — Confucius

I know the story is not yet over, and there could very well be a happy ending after all.

‘When nothing is sure, everything is possible.’ — Margaret Drabble

Today has been a big day. I had my post-op follow-up appointment at the Shirley Greenberg Women’s Health Centre.  I had been anticipating this visit for a long time, because I had a lot of unanswered questions following my surgery. The Women’s Health Centre is a really lovely facility, and the staff there are super nice. The first question I was asked was how I was feeling about everything that had happened. Not what my symptoms were, but how did I feel? It really touched me, and even though I wanted to be all business, I got teary-eyed when I told them that actually, I’m scared and confused, and I REALLY want to be pregnant.

pretty flowers from Angelo.

I went over how I was feeling emotionally and physically, and also asked a lot of questions about what comes next. I was given some good information, and we put together a plan of action to get me pregnant ASAP! By the end of it, I was crying tears of joy, not of fear!

***

Today is also the first time I set foot in the gym since before the surgery. I did 20 minutes on the step machine, followed by three sets of the following (all with 8lbs weights):

12 bicep curls
10 shoulder presses
10 triceps extensions

I rounded it off with 3 sets of 10 crunches (I was really testing my belly’s resilience, and I’m pleased to report that all incisions were fine after the crunches)

He bought them for me on Friday, just because I was having a bad day… swoon.

It was the right amount of exercise for me today, and left me feeling really invigorated and ready for more!  As you know, I haven’t had any motivation for working out lately, and all my best intentions to run or lift weights seem to vanish at go-time.  I’ve done more couch-sitting and TV-watching in this past month than I have all year. Now it might be a coincidence that I actually went to the gym the same day of my appointment, but I have a strong suspicion that the two are more closely linked than that. Subconsciously, I think I was really stuck in a holding pattern, with no information and lots of doubt. I think that it was difficult (nearly impossible) for me to move forward until I had resolved these issues that came about during the ectopic.

And now that I have closure, that I have a plan for moving forward, my subconscious allowed me to move forward with my fitness, too.

I walked home from work yesterday in the rain. It was cold, the sun was already low in the sky, and about 10 minutes from home, I became overwhelmed by everything:

“Was this ectopic pregnancy my fault?” “Could I have done something to prevent it?” “Why did this have to happen to me?” “I want to be pregnant right now.” “Will I ever have kids?” “Will in vitro work?” “What if that was my only chance?”

I cried the rest of the way home. I just couldn’t help it. I kept thinking about the little guy who never had a chance. I miss that little one who got stuck and couldn’t find his way home.  And I feel so much guilt that he was harmed by MY BODY, the one place where he should have been safest of all…

By the time I got home, my tears had almost dried up, but instead of feeling tired and beat, I felt like I needed to move. The thought of going for a short run was really appealing. I got changed and headed out the door. I didn’t really know where I’d run to, or how far I’d go, and I didn’t really care about how fast I’d run, or how cold I’d get, or how I’d feel. I was running to run away. I was running to try to forget.

The run itself actually felt good. This was my first run post-surgery, and I ended up running 3k.  I was surprised at the distance; I didn’t think I’d be able to run so far on my first time out. I felt like I’d been on a really long taper (after all that training I did for the Fall Colours 10k) and I had a lot of energy to burn. As for my mental state, the run definitely had a calming effect. The return to normalcy was welcomed, too. Those three kilometers made me grateful for the resiliency of my body.  Those three kilometers restored a bit of my faith that if I treat my body with care, it will work the way it’s supposed to.  Those three little kilometers took away a lot of my grief, a lot of my anxiety, and allowed me to carry on with my day. So for that, I say “Horray for 3k!”

PS: These photos were taken by Angelo in the Fall/Winter of 2009. These were taken at the end of the workday, from his bike.  He didn’t know it yet, but this was to be his last winter as a bike messenger.

Haha, okay maybe not, but I feel so much better nowadays! (I had surgery two weeks ago)

I’ve actually been walking home from work this week, and it’s made me think that I might be ready to start running again very soon!! Huzzah!

It’s been something that I’ve really missed these last weeks, and I can’t wait to get back out there and hit the pavement. But since the weather has turned cold here in Ottawa, I’ve decided to treat myself (because dang, I deserve it!!) and stock up on fall-weather running clothes.

This summer, my friend tried to return some items to Lululemon, but was turned away because she was past the two-week window for returns. The cashier at Lulu was adamant that we couldn’t return the garments, but she added: “You could try selling them on ebay. I know a lot of people who do that.”

I little light went off when she said that! So thanks for the tip lady, no more buying full-priced Lulu gear for me, from now on, I’m buying my Lulus used!