Speed Trials

Here is the most obvious parenting statement I will ever utter: In parenting, there are no shortcuts.

I am slowly starting to understand how deeply that statement rings true. Example: Nico’s multiple late-night feedings every night were really starting to wear me down. I was having a hard time waking up to feed him, and staying awake during the feedings. I was actually rushing him to finish eating so that I could go back to bed – not good!

NOTE: I tried feeding in bed, laying down, but Nico couldn’t drain my breast adequately that way, and I suspect that’s what lead to my two bouts of Mastitis

Anyway, I had to find a way to STAY AWAKE while he ate. At around this time I got a new cell phone (yes, after a full year of NO CELL I broke down and bought an iPhone) so I downloaded a Sudoku app and started doing Sudoku’s while he ate. It was great, I could hold him with one hand, play a game or two with the other, and it was just enough light and interest to keep me awake. Nico was feeding more fully and actually started to sleep longer periods. I was super happy about it. But then Sudoku started to get a bit boring, and I figured I’d just browse the App Store for another fun game. Yeah… I got into Tiny Tower, and became addicted. I often found myself at 3am holding a passed-out Nico – finished with his meal and asleep in my arms – while I toiled away building my tower late into the night.. I was so focused on the stupid game that I wasn’t even conscious of Nico’s eating pattern. Some mornings I’d wake up and not even remember how many times he had fed in the night, I was so out of touch. I also went through a long bout of insomnia and aggravated it by playing more Tiny Tower. My baby was getting way too used to looking up at me and seeing only an Apple symbol between us. What had I become???

That’s when I really realized there’s no magic recipe for staying awake during night feedings; I simply have to do it – I have to do the un-sexy thing of going to bed earlier so that I can be better rested when he does wake up in the middle of the night. (By the way, deleting Tiny Tower from my phone was a LOT harder than I thought it would be. It took me a few days to work up the courage, but it’s gone now.)

And that’s just one little example. I’ve really been overcome with self-doubt about my parenting skills lately, especially as I try to carve out time to run or blog, not to mention the more mundane chores like laundry and dishes. And even though there are lots of things that interest me right now (I’d love to start knitting something new, or you know, be more involved in my friends’ and family’s lives) I feel like I’m constantly running to catch up.

And these distractions and self-doubt have made an epic fiasco out of my EC attempts.  This is what diaperfreebaby.org says about EC: “Elimination Communication should always be gentle, non-coercive, and based on babies’ interests and needs. Communication is the most important aspect of Elimination Communication, and should be the focus.”

What I am doing couldn’t be further from this!! I haven’t been able to read his signals at all, either just missing his eliminations or placing him over the toilet too soon where he squirms and cries out. It’s getting to the point where he doesn’t like the toilet anymore. Last night was the worst. Nico woke up at 4:30am, and I know that he usually has a large bowel movement at 5:30am. So instead of realizing that we were an hour away from his usual time, I stripped him down and held him over the toilet. He cried and cried, and I fumbled to get him comfortable, but hesitated between putting a diaper back on and “risking” a soiled diaper minutes later, or keeping him over the toilet despite his clear signal that he did not want to be there. I was not listening to my baby at all! I was forcing him to adhere to my schedule for my own convenience. Finally I put the diaper back on, and he fed so deeply and fully. Obviously it was hunger that woke him, not a need to eliminate.

Some naysayers might come to the conclusion that Nico is just too little to be “potty trained” but this is more of a communication issue than a poop issue. I’ve been isolating myself from Nico, rather than becoming more connected to him. Even as I type this, I’m at the computer and not attending to him. I want to declare a ban on all distractions – however, it’s easy to say “I won’t care about the state of my house” but if the thought of the fridge, which hasn’t been cleaned in 4 months, keeps me up at night (yup, I’m one of those neat-freaks) then the words are hollow and meaningless.

I will wage a war on these distractions. I won’t win every battle, but I will try to minimize my obsession with a clean house, I will severely curb my TV, internet, and phone usage, and I will (temporarily) give up my other interests for my baby. He will never be this little again, and his needs right now far outweigh anything else going on in my life. After all, I’ve only got 7 months left with him at home – most women would KILL for that kind of time off, so what the hell am I doing wasting it on a VIDEO GAME!?!?!?!

Instead, I will strive to focus on what is most important. Namely, this guy: