It’s true, I haven’t posted in a long time, and it’s because I was scared to show the virtual world just how crazy my mood swings have been this summer. I feel a start towards normalcy, and maybe, just maybe I can actually write a sane-sounding post outlining what’s been up in the last little while.
The mood swings have been pretty bad, but mostly on a downward slope. I won’t go into it too much, Angelo knows what I’m talking about. There have been lots of tears shed, and lots of sleeping. Two not-so-good signs, especially during the sunniest months of the year.
Now, I’m not so concerned with the actual symptoms, it’s the CAUSES that baffle me. What the f*ck is causing this funk? I have a terrific house, a great job, a wonderful man, and friends who love me. Wow wowie wow. Good times. But for some reason, lately all I’ve wanted was to crawl out of my skin. Hmm….
1. The house. Perhaps, just perhaps, I’m feeling a little set aside on housing matters. I want to contribute more, I want the house to be “mine” more. Total observation: It is WEIRD to plan to live in a house that you will ultimately flip, but only in five+ years. Is it yours? Is it theirs? Who are they? Do I make it mine in the meantime? Is that a waste of money?
Another aside: my upstairs makes me nauseous. I don’t know why. Poor air circulation? Dirty old carpet? Asbestos? I just don’t know, but whenever I spend more than twenty minutes up there, I feel the bile rise in my throat.
2. My diet. Yuck, way (WAYYYY) too much flour. Way too many baked goods. It makes digestion difficult, it makes my blood sugar levels go all squirrelly, and it makes me crave them more and more.
3. I’ve sort of stopped drinking, and I don’t like being sober all the time. I know that sounds soooo bad and counter to all I write about, but I always think of that line from Mumford where he describes that all animal species have been reported to find some way to occasionally alter their normal mental state, even if it’s as unsophisticated as hitting their heads against a wall. I buy that shit. You need to get out of your head every once in a while, maybe even every day. And I ain’t doing that. Maybe I should go out and find a good solid wall somewhere…
4. I’m calorie crazy. I hate it. I hate thinking about it. Stop thinking about it. It’s what’s stopping me from drinking. It’s what’s making me crazy over the bread intake. It stops me from being productive at work (“don’t think about food, don’t think about food, you’re starving – eat something, don’t think about food, what did you just eat???”) Yuck.
5. Financial strain. It’s not overt. It’s not crazy credit problems. I’m managing, but just. Which means I have this nagging, constant anxiety in the back of my head reminding me that I’m ever-so-close to going over the edge. Should every penny go towards house expenses (see point number 1 for why I don’t know), or can I still buy things for myself every once in a while? Stressful, whether or not you want it to be…
So, what am I going to do about it, you ask? Well…
1. I’ve just finished reading Eat to Live. Though a weirdly-written book with fad diet slogans and weight loss bytes, its nutritional reasoning is great. He’s all about nutrient-dense foods. I like it.
2. Talking to people again. Do you know how many times in the past couple of weeks that I’ve heard, “I haven’t seen you around lately”. Going out more is definitely a priority.
3. Cleanse time!!! It’s been five months since my last cleanse, and I feel it’s time to do it again. But I don’t know if I would do the Lemon cleanse this time. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing some sort of liquid diet for ten days. You know, banana smoothie for breakfast, maybe a Greens drink at lunch, and then watermelon before bed… I haven’t really thought this through too much, but I think a liquid cleanse would be ideal for me these days, to reset the balances rather than purge the toxins. More on that in a later post, I guess.
4. There’s also a bunch of ideas in my head about more projects, more writing, more activity. Again, stop thinking so much about money and bread, and start thinking more about art and those activities that make me happy. Like PureData. Maybe I should become a PureData enthusiast. sigh…
Okay, this is a super long post, with no fun pictures, but it’s a total status update, and next time I’ll have some cool-ass thing to show you or keenly perceptive observation to report. I promise. Okay, here’s one fun picture…
